At the End of Road Torment

I looked straight at the path I am about to take,

sudden gloom hallucinates; sheer cold got me awake.

There’s a reason why this road is not much taken.

To traverse it is hard, path so dark and barren.

Alas! I see the light! Only if I squint my eyes.

But for me to reach it, I must pass through what lies.

Could I only imagine what else is out there?

But I cannot! When whispering voices leave me bare.

Small steps I took a few, with most fear and caution.

Stopped as I heard, what’s beyond imagination.

Ghostly wails of past, voices succumbed in defeat,

souls of broken dreams, deprecated by deceit.

My legs stopped moving, gravity had pulled me down.

Paralyzed, weakened, struggling from an almost drown

But as I draw my last breath, something awakened!

Sheer willpower risen; broke the chains that shackled.

Still in the middle of nowhere, I stood firmly.

Painf’lly exhausted, sighed exasperatingly.

Never shall I stop walking the darkness! I said,

As long as I see the light! Never ‘til I’m dead!

I can never be sure whatever lies out there,

if I stop walking because of the wear and tear.

To reach the light at the end of the tunnel,

am I brave enough to do it? Only time can tell.

Dragging my weary soul to almost near halfway,

wounded whilst I fight demons along the wretch’d way.

Tonight my mournful heart, desp’rately outs lament,

as it longs for the light, at the end of road torment.

I'm back YAY!

I will try my best to update my blog. Anyway, people rarely know I have one, and besides,  I needed to pour my thoughts out on something.

Anyway, I may have to post new things here. So we'll wait for it until I am rid of my preoccupations.

Not your ordinary Valentine's Night (UNEDITED)

I can't believe I'm doing this.

It's 7:30 am and I'm in front of his workplace. Barely surviving last night with 0 hours of sleep, | thank my pack of smokes and my lighter for accompanying me and my delusions. People have been staring at me for the past half an hour, probably thinking if I am an engineering student, a Jollibee delivery boy or a florist. Either way it's driving me crazy. Same craziness as to what happened barely 4 hours ago.

Last night we were together. Awkward silence. It went for a few minutes until he broke it.
"If you don't feel that you are important to me, why don't we try and show you how I treat people who are NOT important to me."
I was scared, but didn't dare show it. I can't let him control the relationship alone. I can't have someone manipulating me, and definitely, I want someone to appreciate me. And so I'd stick with the decision.

Still silent, we went out of the place we were in, and when we were about to part way he, again broke the silence.

"1 week??"
Shit. I'm too tired for this. "Do whatever you want. I don't really care anymore. I've had enough of you until the next century"
"Ok."

And so I crossed the street, still flaunting my integrity. It's alright Vincci. Learn to value yourself. You are doing fine. So I still went on, looking like a total loser trying to drag his ass home.
No,no,no,no! He's winning. I can't go back. Don't turn around, don't turn around. Yeah, no matter how hard I tried to resist him, I just can't. And so I turned around, ran like a little girl and went back to the place where I left him. But, he wasn't there anymore. And sadly, I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

So I rode the next jeep home. Tired since it's barely 2 am. Pissed since this is so far, the worst valentine's night EVER. And above all, lonely because I started the argument.

It's far too late for regrets. I took his presence for granted, not knowing how hard it is to manage his busy sched and still pick me up after my class. I was being stupid when I told him that I don't feel his love for me, when that is what he was trying to make me feel since day 1. I'm too focused on waiting for the things I wanted to hear, not knowing that his actions were tring to say something more than what I want.  And now he's gone. On a Valentine's night. FUCK IRONY!

Finally I was home, still slapping myself to the next level because of what happened, I suddenly came up with an idea. "I have to make it up to him. Not tomorrow, not next week, but now!"
And so, I exhausted myself in thinking of the perfect apology plan. For 2 hours, ideas just flowed constantly until the clock struck. 5 am. It was time.

I went out, excitedly ran for the next jeep off to the nearest flower shop, bought him a potted rose that just bloomed recently (by the way, I personally arranged it) and bought  him his breakfast.

On my way to his workplace, thoughts flooded my mind. Doubt ran over me, and for a moment, I really wanted to go home because I feared rejection a lot. But yeah for the sake of an almost broken relationship that was needed to be fixed, I went on.

And right now I'm here, still waiting. I don't really care if he rejects me, I just want him to know that I love him. I cherish every second being with him, and I adore every inch of his beautiful self. Young as I may seem, but right now, all I know is, I'll never love someone as deep as I love him. He' just perfect, and for the first time in ages, all I want to be right now is to be a better person because of him.

There he comes!

A Day in Nancy’s Life (UNEDITED!!!)

Hours of yugyugan and siksikan. For the fortunate, it could mean a night at a local bar where all the college socialistas gather and mingle with one another. Partying ‘til they drop, maximizing all the time in the world, since tomorrow, they only have their afternoon classes. Perhaps, it is a cliché moment for the students studying in the prestigious universities such as La Salle and The Ateneo. But for me, it’s the hustle and bustle of the jeepneys in Quiapo. It is music in my ears, and I enjoy seeing many people and strangely, even hearing the stressful noise on my way home.

My name is Nancy, taking up B.S Education major in English at De La Salle University. But unlike any other La Sallistas, I don’t have my own car, neither do I have signature clothing and shoes because to tell you the truth, my clothes were just bought in my favorite ukay ukay in divisoria, and my old shoes were just given to me by my ninang Melba since her daughter already bought a new pair.

My friends are so proud of me, for the courage I have to have chosen a school like La Salle, considering the fact that my dad is a school janitor in there, and my mom is just a plain housewife taking care of my other six siblings. I know for sure you are wondering how are we able to pay the tuition. I pay the tuition, by being a working scholar.

I have classes from 7 am ‘til 12 noon, after eating my favorite binalot (fried galunggong no less!) I head to the library to take my shift. “OFF TO WORK!!!” I often say with a smile on my face as I also enjoy being in the house of knowledge. I never saw my work as work, because for me, it is a privilege to be inside the library for 5 hours.

I was blessed to have been chosen as one of the recipients of the scholarship. I know that some raise an eyebrow every time they see me, wondering how long am I going to hold on to my fantasies of actually graduating to one of the best (and most expensive) schools at this condition. I never got affected, not because I have thick skin, but because, my dreams of helping my family be in a better financial state is a weapon strong enough to face the endeavors of college life.

People think I’m less fortunate, because I don’t experience the things most of my classmates do. But as I see it, I am more than blessed to appreciate the little things in life that most people ignore. I have a mom that always supports me morally. A dad that does his best to feed us three times a day, and six little brothers and sisters that make my days by either annoying me or making me laugh after a long school day.

It’s not a matter of who has a bigger bank account, or who has a better ride. It is a reality in life that tells us the bigger dreamer has the better capacity of having a better future.

Hello World!

January 26,2011. I decided to contain all my thoughts in this blog. It's quite healthy you know. Especially if you have one helluva mind like me! LOL

Seriously, If you'd only know what's on my crazy mind right at this moment, you will understand me better for you will know where I'm coming from.

I hope you enjoy reading my crazy mind published here. Thanks for the virtual space Pareng Google!